Who am I? This is, perhaps, one of the deepest questions I have ever asked myself. The first time I was asked this question, I was on a week-long retreat in Guatemala near Lake Atitlan. This retreat featured fresh food, 2 days of silence, yoga, meditation, and a community of fellow seekers. This was the treehouse I slept in for 5 nights.
There is something magical about staying in nature's natural surroundings. I’m not talking about the 5-star resort with infinity pools and incredible views. I am talking about having roosters as your alarm clock, hearing the sound of rain hitting hundred-year-old greenery rather than concrete, and marveling at the mountaintops as you lather your hair with shampoo in an open-air shower. Connecting with the land and getting a taste of how our ancestors lived is a necessary experience many of us should strive to return to at some point in our lives. Yes, there may be some uncomfortable moments, but those moments are significant because they allow you to transcend your comfort zone and grow. Changing our perspective from irritation to appreciation is a powerful gift these experiences give us. I also think it helped get me into a mindset to go deeper to answer this question in a more meaningful and introspective way.
We do not learn from experience... we learn from reflecting on experience.
John Dewey
It was day 2 of the retreat. After a light lunch of veggies grown in the garden, we sat in the space pictured above under sunny skies and a cool breeze. The exercise was simple. Sit cross-legged and gaze into a partner’s eyes while they repeatedly ask you 'Who Am I?'. When I say partner, I mean a complete stranger that was on the retreat like me whom I had never spoken to before. This was my experience.
1. Initially, I used labels to describe myself. As my partner asked me the first time, I replied ‘I am Manjit’. She asked again. ‘I am a pharmacist living in Toronto’. The labels continued to flow…
I am a South Asian male
I am a son
I am a brother
These were all answers that came into my mind.
2. Then, I realized I wasn't digging deep enough. I began questioning how I became who I am. This was based on my lottery of birth. I was born in the 70s to married parents in Toronto who raised me with good values and worked hard to give me a good education.
These were answers from self-questioning. I observed my mind as an object. As the same question repeated, ‘Who am I?’…. I began to realize that I was not just my mind - there was something else that made up who I was.
3. Taking it even further, I examined the question more closely. It seemed like I was not giving the ‘right’ answer because my partner kept asking me the same question. Looking back, this came from the conditioning of always providing the textbook answer that would be met with acceptance. In this third phase, I began to question who the 'I' was. I soon realized that the 'I' was the ego. Not the ego associated with pride, but the ego of existence. The ‘I’ was the knowledge of my existence. My realization was that I was neither the mind (as in 1) nor the contents of my psychology (as in 2). At this point, for just an instant, I found my mind dissolving so that the subject and object merged into oneness.
In the words of Yogi Ji Ramana Maharshi,
"In the inquiry ‘Who am I?’, ‘I’ is the ego. The question really means, what is the source or origin of this ego? ... If the root ‘I’-thought is pulled out, all others are at the same time uprooted. So, if you are seeking the root 'I', ask yourself, ‘Who am I?’. Find out its source, and then all these other ideas will vanish and the pure Self will remain."
During this process, I realized I couldn’t go to step 3 without first exploring steps 1 and 2. Sometimes we try to go deep too fast. There is patience and a process to explore when we reflect on ourselves. This does not have to be as profound as the question 'Who am I’. It can be more subtle questions like…
What do I stand for?
What legacy do I want to leave for those behind me?
What am I passionate about?
How can I be a better human being?
Action Items
If this post was insightful, get Ramana Maharashi’s book 'Who Am I’ and reflect on your existence. It will be the best $10 you have ever spent.
Spend 5 minutes with yourself to uncover your values. Spend another 5 minutes reflecting on how you live these values and giving yourself a score out of 10 for each value. If these are of importance to you, how can you improve living to the standard you set for yourself?
If possible, book a retreat for your next vacation. From my experience, the most rewarding vacation you will ever take is a retreat. This is where you work on yourself and come back feeling recharged and refreshed rather than exhausted and behind. Vacations that change your perspective are worth gold.
Watch the movie ‘The Lottery of Birth’.