I was teased quite a bit when I was in grade school. I grew up in Brampton near McLaughlin and Steeles. I am of the Sikh faith and my hair was kept uncut until the age of 7. One morning, my dad woke me up and took me to the barber. There are only a few memories I can remember from that age, but this is one event I can recall vividly. I remember walking through the doors at Shoppers World and hearing ‘I am sorry but we don’t cut girls' hair here’. My dad corrected the barber and I got my haircut. It wasn’t until years later that I realized why my dad made that decision. I was coming home from school daily telling my dad I was being called a girl and a paki. I didn’t even know what the latter meant, but I knew how it made me feel. I hold no ill feelings towards my dad. He went through traumatic experiences when he came to Canada with his turban in 1971. As a parent myself now, I know that we do the best we can at the moment based on the information and experiences we have at that time. I am telling you this to remind you of the common phrase we heard and said when growing up: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’.
We pay a lot of attention to the words that are spoken and written. I agree that words are important, but communication consists of much more than the words we use. Tone, volume, non-verbal expressions, and timing of what is said are even more important than what we say. While the exact percentage of nonverbal communication varies depending on the source, research suggests that up to 93% of communication is nonverbal.[1]
The 55/38/7 Formula
It was Albert Mehrabian, a researcher of body language, who first broke down the components of a face-to-face conversation. He found that communication was 55% nonverbal, 38% vocal, and 7% words only. It turns out that the above formula was developed with a specific purpose in mind: comparing facial and vocal components to decipher a person’s attitude. According to Mehrabian, “When there are inconsistencies between attitudes communicated verbally and posturally, the postural component should dominate in determining the total attitude that is inferred.” Is 90% of communication nonverbal? No, information is conveyed verbally, but in a face-to-face conversation, body language and facial expressions can have an incredible impact on how information is interpreted.[1]
I recently attended a WILA (Women in Leadership Accelerator) event where Amy Oliver spoke about the opportunity women have to fully realize their greatness! During her talk, she spoke about communication. She shared an exercise where one person at the table asked the person across from them to ‘Pass the water’ and only use these words. This could be taken as a stern command or could be taken as a kind request. How the person heard the request made all the difference. Sometimes this had as much to do with the tone and body language as it had to do with the receiver’s state of mind and general feelings in that moment.
I recently took my daughter to storytime at the local library. After the last story was read, the beloved bubble maker came out and the librarian played a song by William Prince. Before hitting play, she said if we grew up in the 90’s we would find it familiar. It turned out it was the same song that led Britney Spears to stardom. However, this version was sung with kindness, compassion, and a level of serenity. Such a contrast from the pop icon’s number one hit and the visuals that went along with them in her famous video. I had a uniquely visceral experience of hearing the same words sung in a different tone, voice, pace, and flow. Once again, the same words but an entirely different experience.
When our children are not listening to us, how do we speak to them? I recall reading a parenting book that shared how to speak to your kids using a kind, yet firm voice. It resonated with me and I found it was an effective way to keep me centred and emotionally present when I noticed personal dysregulation. The next time you are having a challenging time with your little ones, get your phone out and record your voice. Listen to it later when you are in a regulated state. Would you listen to someone speaking to you like that? I have found this to be a useful exercise and it has helped me grow as a communicator.
Children are a mirror of our souls. We learn from them what we need to work on. My ego to have them listen to me comes from a style of parenting I thought was the only way to raise children. I have learned to let them be more free and control less.
ACTION ITEMS
Record yourself when you are entering a dysregulated state. Not the easiest thing to remember to do, but if you can you will cringe when you listen to it. We rarely think we sound the way we actually do.
Text less, talk more. This is especially true when either person is feeling something in the moment. Catch yourself sending that text, take a deep nasal belly breath, and change your message to, ‘Is it a good time to call right now?’ If this isn’t possible, do the next best thing and send a voice text. It will convey your feelings more effectively while decreasing the chances for misinterpretation.
The key to moving into a state of awareness is meditation. The more you meditate or be alone with your thoughts, you will find it easier and easier to catch yourself as you move into a dysregulated state. Remember the phrase ‘Kind but Firm’ when speaking to your kids or young children. It will make a world of difference for you and most importantly, for them.
References:
1.https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/