Engaging with your Father, even in their Absence

Nurturing Meaningful Conversations with your Dad

Welcome to this week’s Father’s Day Edition. It comes on a Saturday this week in hopes that you can read it before Father’s Day and put some of these thoughts into action on Dad’s special day.

As a dad of 2 young children, fatherhood has brought on more responsibility, and more internal reflection on what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. Father’s Day is more than gifting ties and socks. It reminds us about the invaluable and influential role our dads have had in our lives. I would encourage you to really take his day in and focus less on the cake and cards - and more on the impact your dad has had on your life. 

Honoring our Dad’s Legacy

Legacy is a word that holds a lot of weight for me. This involves reflecting on the wisdom, values, and life lessons our fathers have passed down to us. I know some readers have lost their dads. This day may be especially challenging because the day brings back many memories and the sorrow of not having your dad around can bring back feelings of regret. Similar to how funerals have been reframed into Celebration of Life events, we can reflect on the values and lessons our dads taught us. We can also see how we carry on their legacy. If our dad is or was especially patient, how are we incorporating patience into our lives? If our dad was fearless, how can we act more courageously to continue their legacy?

Initiating Meaningful Discussions

The relationship we have with our dads is usually quite different from our moms. Dads are generally more stoic, less expressive, and use fewer words when communicating. To form strong relationships, we must respect these differences and adjust ourselves accordingly. My dad is a man of few words, but when he speaks wisdom comes through. Adapting to his experience, I ask more specific questions to gain knowledge from him. If this sounds like your dad, check out these questions to engage and learn interesting facts about their life. This is an excellent activity to do this week. 

Creating Remembrance Rituals

Whether your dad is still physically with you or not, creating rituals of remembrance is imperative for continuing their legacy. This can include a visit to your place of worship and sitting quietly and reflecting on the impact they had on your life. It can also involve having a nightly or weekly conversation with them and sharing what is occurring in your life. If they are not living close to you, think about the number of times you will interact with them in your life. For example, if they live in another country you may see them 2 times per year. From the average lifespan of a Canadian man, you will see them, at the most, 15-20 times before they pass. From this perspective, will you bring more awareness and presence to every encounter you have with them?

Embracing Father Figures and Mentors

If you have or had a positive relationship with your dad, chances are they taught you something. This is your opportunity to be a mentor for someone else in your life. If you have children, you can start here. If not, look to nieces, nephews or volunteer your time as a big brother to those without a father figure. I know someone who lost their dad at a young age. Instead of asking ‘why me’, they took that energy and transformed it into helping someone who experienced what they experienced. Being the person you wish you had when you were younger is a powerful reframe that can transform depleting feelings into renewing and uplifting energy.

Father's Day provides us with the opportunity to honor and appreciate father figures who have guided us in our lives. Whether we spend the day with our biological fathers or those who have stepped into that role, it is an occasion to reflect, express gratitude, and cherish the valuable lessons they have taught us. Do something different this Father’s Day. Take your dad aside to let them know how much you appreciate them. Whether they are physically present or not, fathers are always proud of what we accomplish and with us in spirit. 

Action Items

1. Schedule a lunch date with your dad. Use these questions as a guideline to initiate discussions that extend beyond day-to-day conversations. Click here.

2. Reflect on how you can be a father figure for someone in your life. If you have kids, remember they watch what you do all the time. If you don’t have kids, I am sure you have life lessons to pass on to someone who could benefit.